April will bring changes in Venice

By Ed Martin

 Dateline: Venice, April 1.

    A sweeping series of changes in the so-called “Venice Lifestyle” are scheduled to go into place April 1.

    Police Chief Julie Williams has announced that undercover policeman will be outfitted with new flowered shirts and plaid shorts so that they will blend in better with residents and tourists.

    Consideration is being given by Venice City Council to alleviating the traffic problems on the Venice Avenue Bridge. Citizens of Venice will be given passes to enter downtown; others from the county will have to go over the Hatchett Creek or Circus bridges. As an alternative, developer Michael Miller, has agreed to consider building a 10-level bridge, if he can lease the bridge and charge tolls.

    The Venice Area Historical Society has begun the process of declaring the hot-dog-andbathroom structure on the South Jetty a protected “historic building,” thereby hoping to frustrate the federal Grinches’ demand it be removed. A suggestion to say it was designed by John Nolen failed on a voice vote.

    In another series of policerelated actions, people driving more than two blocks with their left blinker light on will be fined $1,000. A similar fine will be assessed for pulling over far to the left before turning right into a driveway even though the violator is driving a Toyota, not a semi-trailer.

    Each of these new ticketable offenses is expected to wipe out the loss in property tax revenues being considered by the Legislature.

    Assault by shopping cart in a supermarket aisle is being listed as a felony, punishable by having to carry a little basket for 30 days.

    Other shopping-related changes include imprisonment for people unloading a full basket in the 10-items-orless line.

    Volunteers from the Senior Friendship Center are starting a new assistance program whereby they will walk around in parking lots with citizens until they locate their car. Boy Scouts are being asked to stand by to find the volunteers, if needed.

    The city’s retirement centers have banded together to prohibit their residents from attending the Venice Little Theatre’s risque production of “The Oldest Profession,” a story of elderly “working” women attempting to keep plying their trade. The retirement center spokesman said, “We have enough problems without them getting ideas.”

    In an effort to eliminate the “noisy minorities” that keep attending city council meetings, Jeff Boone will be allowed to lecture on the University of Florida’s basketball and football victories each time he flies back from an out-of-town event.

    There is consideration given to making Tramonto Vista Park more attractive to the big hotel developers who want to build on the airport grounds, the golf course, the dog park and Venetian Waterway Trail. An expanded 1,000-car paved parking lot and a roller-coaster are being considered.

    The need for more downtown parking has led to a plan to tear down Venice City Hall and pave it over. This is expected to have more benefits than just parking.

    The original plan was to tear down the unsightly post office, but fear of the U.S. Attorney General’s reaction put that idea on hold.

    With belt-tightening and serious consequences likely headed toward city employees and residents, city council announced it would show the way by taking a 10-percent across-the-board cut in their salaries and health benefits.

    April Fool.